I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
