the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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