Can Purell be used as lube?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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