my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
