Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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