Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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