No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
