Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
