So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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