No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
