I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
