My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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