Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
