I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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