LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
