i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
