I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
