i permit you to call me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I would fuck him just for his dog
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
