im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
