from now on my penis is your penis
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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