That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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