i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
