My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
