I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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