It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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