Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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