I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
