I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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