I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my phone needs a breathalizer
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
