So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
