I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
