All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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