my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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