mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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