she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
