we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
