Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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