You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm at about main and main street
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
