I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
