I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
