is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
