Where is the hickey?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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