by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
