woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
