Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
