why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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