this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
