I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
