You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
