can we get nightvision for the apartment?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think your dad took our porno
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
