ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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