Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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