As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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