apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
