Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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